This came from being falsely accused of making a decision by a VERY close family member.
April,10 2007 Thank you Lord for your marvelous LOVE! Without your compassion, I would have no courage or strength. It is enough to know what the true intent of my heart is! I thank you again for being always there, My Heavenly Father! Human flesh and blood can let one down, but Your awesome, Divine Holy Spirit dwells forever with me! Lifts me! Love you Lord! Stay forever with me! (and I with you.) AMEN
God, You despise a haughty and proud spirit, yet that’s what I offered. I believed myself bigger than I was. The praise of man had caused my pride to swell to the point I believed people needed me more than I needed You. That without me, there could be no growth or success.
It was then the thing I loved so much stopped bringing me the pleasure it always had. I began to feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled. How could something that was such a big part of my life suddenly make me feel so empty? I began blaming everyone instead of turning to You. In desperation I screamed at You, “WHY!!” and You answered. You had not moved or left me, but I had left You. My talent did not interest You. It was my heart You wanted. You can use a broken vessel if it’s clean and I had let mine become dirty. It was then I asked You to leave me broken so I would remember, but to clean my heart and You did.
My worship became brand new again. You replaced my pride with humility. You brought back my first love. Now I live in Your shadow where I am unseen yet You can be seen, promising to always give You the glory and honor.
After being forced into a sexual relationship, an unwanted pregnancy, and the baby being still born, I was angry and didn’t want to live. Through all of this I prayed for forgiveness, and for help and for a way out and all the time I kept wondering if God was even listening because things weren't getting any better. Now years later, I understand that while I was laying there praying and crying and begging God to help me and to take me to heaven he was answering my prayers in other ways. I now see clearly that he does answer prayers and that he was doing his work through me but in his time. And in that time I learned that I was somebody important and he did love me and did rescue me from the hell I was in. I have learned how to love more and give more and to be who the lord wants me to be. I have been baptized again and I am doing the best I can to live right and live the best I can.
While rushing to the aid of a church member, whose house was on fire I found myself the upside down in my truck, I cried out, "O Lord! My wife, my girls". I could hear what I thought was gasoline pouring out. I knew that I couldn't and wouldn't die that way. I undid my seatbelt trying to get out and fell on my head, thus breaking my neck. A blessing in disguise that I was not thrown from my truck. I never wore my seatbelt, and that day God told me to put it on. It saved my life. "Lord, if you'll let me get out of here....” in trying to get out, my arms weren’t much of a help. I later found out that I had crushed my right shoulder and broken my left collar bone. What I didn't know was that I had a total of 27 broken bones and most of them were in my face. My wife who had not yet moved with me, called my cell and a gentleman at the scene talked with her. A few hours away and she could hear me screaming. I cried out to God because I knew now she was hurting too. She rushed to get on the road to get to me but before she could, people from our new church called to tell her that they were Lifeflighting me. She chose to fly too. When she arrived at the hospital, I knew by her face that it was bad, really bad. We cried out to God together...."Why?" New church, new home, new start.....why?! They told us it would be three months in the hospital. Our God is amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I walked out with plates in my face, some that are still there today, pins in my shoulder and a neck brace all in eleven days. We cried out to God and He heard our prayers!!! Thank you God!
The drinking became like, rushing rapids, pushing me further down Lord it covered and buried me in the depth of unknown. I strained to raise above the waves but was always pulled back in the dark, deep, waters of despair. The pills just eased the suffering for moments nothing lasting. The sex just made me feel more guilt, more dirty, and kept me in my prison of darkness.
Then the day I will never forget Lord as I lay unconscious in Intensive Care and all I could feel was You. The One I had cried out to pulling me back to life. Speaking to me as a Father would to his child. Oh Lord, that was hard for me to accept, I did not want to picture you as a father it was to painful. But you stayed right there in that room with me. You rescued me from death that night but I didn’t let you have control very long.
In desperation I came to you on knees and face begging You to release me from this hell I was in. And I found You on my knees. Yes, You Lord came to me, put people physically in place to bring me through the journey and share Your words of comfort with me. You pulled me out of the prison of my life and washed me in the waters so I could feel forgiveness and cleansing like I’d never experienced in my life. Oh Lord, then you showed me how I was Your little girl, wrapped in Your arms of love. Sitting on Your lap and for the first time in my life I saw the child You created me to be.
I’m a woman now Lord and it’s been a very long fifty plus years. Praising You is all I can do Lord. Lifting my hands and falling on my knees in honor, glory, and humility to YOU. You rescued me Lord from the darkest life and times and set my feet on the ground where I can share Your message of healing.
After trying to have children and losing three pregnancies in a 4 year time span, I was devastated. The losses were near unbearable. I wanted a child so badly, I was consumed with nothing else. We had been to several doctors, I had taken fertility drugs, but it wasn’t working, nothing was working. The doctor finally told us, we probably were not going to be able to have a successful pregnancy. I had prayed and prayed and prayed and still nothing. How could this be, God is supposed to answer prayers. What had I done wrong to deserve this treatment, it seemed so unfair. I was angry at God and I was miserable, but I still kept praying for a child. But as time went on my prayer changed from being about what I wanted, to being about acceptance and asking God, what do You want for me? It was when I surrendered my will to his that I received peace and most importantly, through my suffering, I was drawn closer to God. I have also been blessed with two children that I was told I wouldn’t be able to have. God is so big and my praises belong to him.
My Psalm:
I prayed, Oh God, what can I do and what can I say? You know my heart and my desires for a child, yet You have allowed me to suffer these losses, but why? God, I know your greatness and your love and I know there is no limit to what you can do. I know you hear me but you won’t answer….at least not the answer I want. I feel so abandoned, why won’t You help me? But God, You did hear me and you gave me strength when I thought I had none left. I said to you, “Not my will but yours be done” and I asked you to give me peace. Then I gave you my sorrow, my disappointment and my pain and You healed my heart and You gave me peace and I praised You. You gave me children and I praised you. I will always praise you God and I will seek your will.
Dear God,
I remember my life having no meaning. I remember only thinking of drinking and smoking marijuana and not knowing who you were. My life was full of sin and was causing my marriage to fail. I remember not having respect for my husband and thinking only of myself instead of what was best for my family. I can remember how empty I felt.
I know now that you had a plan for me Lord. You rescued me and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that I now have you in my heart and am happy to say that my life has changed for the better. I know now that you were always there for me, even when I was doing things that were against your command.
I love you so much Lord and I will continue to always put you first in my life because I know now that I was always first in yours. Thank you Lord for your all consuming Grace. Thank you for loving me even when I do not deserve it for it has shown me how I must love others. Thank you for mending my marriage and taking me away from the alcohol and drugs that were ruining my life.
Words can not explain Lord how much you mean to me. I can only say that without you I would be lost and because of you I am found.
Thank you Lord for everything you have done and everything you are doing now.
I awake every morning with songs in my heart for You, LORD
I awake every morning with songs on my lips for You, only You!
I awake every morning with praise on my lips for You, LORD
For You have called me out of the fog where I wandered
Alone and lost, filthy and frightened
I wandered
No worthwhile thing, no joy, no peace, could I find
Bitter words, dust and lies on my lips
I wandered
With jaded eyes and darkened thoughts
My nights and days were filled
I wandered
Yes, night and day, day and night
No hope and alone
I wandered
You called and You called but my ears were shut, in fear
I ran from the sound of your sweet voice, in fear
I fled from your touch on my wooden heart, in fear
No understanding of Your love for me did I have
Yes, I knew the words yet no understanding had I
Then You sent a new song into the fog, disguised as worldly noise (Christian music)
My ears were not closed
Your sound slipped in
And I heard!
I awakened to listen
But the song was quiet
The noise of the world hid your voice
I searched for the song
Your Spirit was there!
Guiding my feet onward
Your Spirit was there
Softening my heart
Opening my ears and eyes
Then I knew the song was Your voice calling
Still calling me, Oh why have I run in fear?
Oh what joy is the sound of my Masters voice, singing o’er me!
The fog has cleared and now I can see!
I’m not alone! YOU are here beside me!
You have always been here holding me!
Oh my LORD GOD, FATHER! YOU ARE!
Oh Joy unspeakable YOU ARE!
Oh Merciful Creator You ARE!
My heart has been broken and been rebuilt, to love YOU
My eyes are like new to see Your glory, and praise You
My ears are like new to hear Your voice, and listen!
My lips are like new to sing You praises and worship!
My feet are like new, swift to do your bidding!
Your Grace set me free from the chains of sin that bound me!
You are my LORD, my LIGHT in the empty fog!
You washed me clean, and filled with Your HOLY Spirit,
I will join with Your Saints and sing Your praises forever!
Now, I awake every morning with songs in my heart for You, LORD
I awake every morning with songs on my lips for You, only You!
I awake every morning with praise on my lips for You, LORD
You have cleared the fog where I wandered
Alone and lost, filthy and frightened
NO MORE! NO MAS!
OH PRAISE HIM, LORD GOD, my FATHER
All my life I have heard of people having near death experiences that have changed their lives. I never truly understood what that meant until yesterday, Monday October 5, 2009.
Sunday morning, October 4th Terri and I attended the early service at Shelby Christian church before meeting up with four other friends to go white water rafting on the Gauley River in West Virginia. Terri and I both commented on how we were going to listen for signs; signs from the sermon that we shouldn't go on this trip. After singing and worshiping, the story of Jonah and the whale was shared and Dave began to ask the question, "Have you ever felt like you were drowning?" After leaving the service and meeting up with our other friends Terri and I shared with them the verses we'd heard about Jonah. We all prayed together and then left for West Virginia.
Monday morning we left the hotel a little after 5 AM had some breakfast and joked about this being our last meal. We headed out to ACE where we joined our group for the day's activities. I prayed and prayed every spare second. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. We were going to brave the rapids of the 23 miles of the Upper and Lower Gauley River. Going into this trip we also knew that 3 people had recently died on the Upper. Not sure what we were thinking. About a mile into the trip we came upon our first V+ rapid called "Insignificant," which it was not at all. While approaching the rapids, our guide Thomas was explaining what we were up against. It was at this moment that I thought back to the sermon I had heard on Sunday. I prayed and prayed, Jesus be my whale. If I fall out, please be my whale. Immediately down and around the "insignificant" rapid, Terri and I both fell out as the boat stood up on its side. As I churned in the rapids everything went through my mind, my kids, roll into a ball, hold my feet up, swim left (man that was hard). I'm not sure how long I was in the water, but it seemed like an eternity. Finally as my body was tiring, I wasn't sure if I could fight anymore, and had rolled for what seemed like an eternity, I screamed out in my mind, "Jesus be my whale, Jesus be my whale!" At that very moment, I look up and Terri is right in front of me and the life line from the raft had been tossed to us. I grabbed the rope, was pulled to the raft, and our guide pulled me in. In shock for a brief moment, I burst into tears and suddenly realized we had 22 more miles to go. I had to compose myself because the only way out was to paddle. My prayer for the rest of the day was no longer, "Jesus be my whale", but "Please God keep me in the boat!" I never fell out again.
Saturday night, Dave encouraged us all to go to church, no matter our circumstances, vacations, etc. I thought twice about it because we were leaving shortly after. There is no doubt in my mind that God saved Terri and me both. I'm not sure what would have happened had I not heard the sermon on Sunday; maybe God would have still spared me, maybe not, but what I do know is that God gives us what we need when we need it. God gave me the story of Jonah to save my life! Prayer is powerful, God is powerful!
Terri called me this morning to check in and to share the memory verse from her bible study today...
Psalm 90.12 Teach us how short our life, so that we may become wise.
